Furious Fiction September 2021 - Long listed

Your story must include EITHER an attic OR a basement.

Your story must include some kind of insect.

Your story must include the words EARTH, WIND, FIRE and WATER.

TV Presenter, legs poured into stubby shorts:                    

“Welcome back to Bestest Ever Homes and Gardens. A big g’day to our new viewers who used to spend Friday nights chatting up strangers in some hipster joint, but now that you’ve got an ankle biter or two to chuck into bed, you’re getting your jollies by watching me turn an old telly into a water tank. But first, hang onto ya stretchy pants because we’re going to tackle that big waste of space in ya house. No, not ya husband, I mean ya roof space. With just a bit of plywood, a ladder and a very loose grip on planning approvals, you can create a DIY attic. And who doesn’t want more storage for stuff ya don’t need? Let’s crack into it!”

***

Dear neighbour,

I was roping off my front lawn this morning and noticed banging coming from the top of your residence. I hope you are not creating an attic because that is certainly illegal. I also hope this alleged attic is not a bedroom for another child because, as yet, you do not seem to have control over the two you already have. I do not know their names but judging by their recycled clothing and likelihood of having ‘hair pets’, I assume they are Moonbeam and Wind Chime.

Regards,

Beverly.

 ***

To Bevaly,

Hapy Neighbur Day. I’m glad yu liv next door even if mum says yu are batty. Do yu hang from the cielng all day and eat grasshoppers at night? Is that why yu never frow our balls bak? Becaus yu don’t have hands?

Luv Amber.

 ***

Dear neighbour,

It seems you are proceeding with your attic plans. I am going to go to the council offices on Monday and report you.

P.S. My son Kevin (who lives with us) is an excellent tutor. May I recommend his tutoring services for your daughter.

P.S.S. I know it was you who ripped out my lawn rope.

***

Oi Kev. Hope this text didn’t wake ya. Thanks for hooking me up with a stash last night. My usual supplier fell through. P.S. Think I took out your old lady’s garden ropes with my car. Soz. Jezza.

***

Dear Beverly,

I do not doubt that your son is clever. The area behind his granny flat is in full shade, yet from our new vantage point, we can see that the marijuana plants hidden behind it are thriving! He is very skilled indeed.

Jennifer.

 ***

Department of Fire and Emergency Services - Incident Report.

Backyard fire at 2 Balmoral Way, Winton. Reported 17:04, Saturday March 31. Some garden burnt, no damage to major structures.

 ***

Dear neighbour,

The plants no longer exist. And I am willing to pretend your attic doesn’t either.

Beverly.

 ***

TV Presenter, legs poured into stubby shorts:                    

“Welcome to a new episode of Bestest Ever Homes and Gardens. Tonight, we’ve got a viewer question from Kevin, who asks ‘How on earth do I grow plants inside a granny flat?’”